Yesterday evening, I went for a stroll along our trail, a path that loops around our property. It’s mid-March and I am getting to witness the camellia tree bloom, the rose of winter.
The camellia symbolizes passion, desire, and a courageous death. I find that fascinating.
I was struck with a fierce stomach bug Tuesday morning, ultimately sending me to the emergency room to receive IV fluids and anti-nausea medication. I could probably benefit from more rest but the tug of “should’s” gets the best of me. Those damn “should’s” get me every time.
I should do… I should be…Should is an asshole, someone has said. I couldn’t agree more.
As I walk the path and take in the natural beauty surrounding me, I wonder why can’t I be content to just be? What is this desire to achieve? To pursue? It’s necessary. Growth is vital. We are meant to evolve. But we are also meant to play and enjoy. Alan Watts said, “This is the real secret of life–to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play.”
I tend to cling to the outcome. I must reach the end goal, I think. I quickly remind myself, “It is all a process, a practice.”
Love the process, they say. Release the outcome.
I cannot help but wonder what the experience in previous lives was and perhaps what the experience in future lives were, to bring me to this life, this human experience now? It is the only way this thing called living, being human, makes any sense to me. Our soul has many human experiences only we cannot recall our soul form while in this human skin, so we only know that which our senses allow us to experience in the now. The highly evolved have a remembering of their Spirit; Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha…
But we are all evolving, aren’t we. “We are all just walking each other home.” Ram Dass.
Isn’t the experience of dying our experience of walking home? If so, isn’t it ironic we fight it, not talk about it, not plan for it with anticipation?
Can I make peace with the possibility I may not reach all the outcomes in this lifetime? Perhaps some outcomes are meant for another lifetime and this lifetime is meant for processes and experiences.
So begins the process of loosening….
Nurse on the Go 