Nurse on the Go

During the almost 17 years I have been a nurse, most of my time has been working with terminally ill patients and the elderly. If I know nothing else in nursing, I know how to care for the dying. Still, for years, I viewed death as separate, something that was ‘happening to them.’

Death and dying “stayed over there.”

There are two moments that stand out to me that opened my awareness and connectedness, so I could allow in the truth that, just like those I care for, I will die. Death will come.

I was caring for a young woman close to my age who was dying from AIDS. She had lived a promiscuous lifestyle and for a reason her mother could not understand, she stopped taking her antiviral medications. By the time she was admitted to hospice services, she was actively dying. During one of my visits, when she was no longer verbal but still able to open her eyes to touch, I was wiping her brow with a cool cloth and our eyes met. Our gaze held. My rebellious, indiscriminate past flashed through my mind.  My heart said to hers, “I am no different. I see you and I see me in you.”

The second occurred years later. I was caring for a woman who was dying from alcohol related end stage liver disease. At the time I met her, I was working through the realization alcohol was taking up too much space in my life. After multiple breaks from drinking, it was becoming evident my relationship with alcohol was more complicated than I realized. It was a coping skill deeply embedded in me. I began admitting to myself my drinking was truly a problem. Caring for this young woman, I wondered if she also had the nudging along her way. We really weren’t that different. And if I stayed the course I was on, I may find myself with a liver too scarred to do its job, too.

I do not know of a greater shift than the shift that began when I let the certainty of my death work its way through my bones and be present in my every day. It is still filtering through, as it will, until it finally consumes me and carries me back to where I came from.

Over the years, I have taken drastic action to create change in my life. I have lived life as a Christian and as a metaphysical minister. I became a reiki practitioner and applied energy work to my life. I have explored and adopted many ideas, beliefs, and practices.

Nothing has changed me the way death awareness has and continues to change me.

Meditating on how I want my death to look like, where I want to die, how I want to be remembered, has served as a light that guides my way. When I get sucked into the chaos of living, overwhelmed by the world around me, I take a deep breath, and remind myself I will never have this moment again. How do I want to leave it? How do I want those around me to remember me in this moment?

With death as our companion, what is most important is highlighted. Our path is made clearer. Not perfect, no. But more open. Illuminated.

Sometimes I think humans are afraid to look at our dying because we know it will create change, nudge us into the uncomfortable. We prefer to stay stagnant. It’s easier. Ignorance is bliss. Or so we think.

What if you just start small, like I did? Baby steps…

Ponder the following:

• If you are given a slow dying experience, where do you want to die? (hospital, home)
• Who do you want around you? (family, friends, you want to be alone)
• What do you want around you? (pictures, flowers, the ocean, nature, important keepsakes)
• What do you want others to say about you at your funeral?

The application can look something like this:

• If you are given a slow dying experience, where do you want to die? (hospital, home) Tell your family and put it in writing. If you want to die at home, where in your home? Sit in that space. When I first started this practice, I could not see myself dying in the house we lived in. I told my husband he would have to take me somewhere. We since moved, and there is a room that has an energy that is so peaceful. It calms me. If I die while we live in this house, this will be the room I die in. The color of the walls, the pictures we hang…are with the thought of my dying day in mind.
• Who do you want around you? (family, friends, you want to be alone) Have you, are you, actively cultivating relationships with those listed? Do they know you want them present, or have you told your loved ones you want to be alone when you die? My circle is small, but I realize I would like to have more friendships in my life. I am now more intentional about connection and fostering friendships.
• What do you want around you? (pictures, flowers, the ocean, nature, important keepsakes) Create that space, gather those things. If nothing else, talk with your family about it.
• What do you want others to say about you at your funeral? Are you aligning your actions to how you want to be remembered? What changes do you need to make?  Take small steps each day towards those changes. I didn’t want my family to always remember me getting drunk at family gatherings or mixing mimosas on holiday mornings. Not that these are bad things. There is no judgement. But I was able to see myself as my family would think of me in memories and there was almost always a wine glass present. I decided to take steps to change that.

These questions are just to get you started. I encourage you to go deeper. Journal your answers. Get as detailed as you can. If you want support and guidance as you develop this practice, connect with me @ fitnurseonthego@gmail.com